Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don′t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She′s only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it′s father′s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he′s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork′s parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he′s been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of students scare the hell out of sb
Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine, and 10 is next.
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?" Same student: "It's 24!"
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
(3) .Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
Tom: And why?
Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. ----------
(4) An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?' 'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'
'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.' ”
(5)Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A worker in a cemetery(公墓)
The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that?s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It?s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That?s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone
to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
标题：I'm the boss
内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 ----------
THE FIRST TIME
Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.
Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.
I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer.
Good evening, he said, may I speak with Leah Jonason?
She is a baby, I replied.
All right, said the caller, I'll try again later.
A Great Man
Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.
Why Is He Howling
Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot!
某人刻苦学习英语,终有小成.一日上街不慎与一老外相撞,忙说:I am sorry.老外应道:I am sorry too.某人听后又道:I am sorry three.老外不解,问:What are you sorry for?某人无奈,道:I am sorry five. Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”
“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients
out of the office .” ”
Teacher：We all know that heat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?
John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.
It was Tom’s birthday,and he was five years old.He got quite a lot of nice birthday presents from his family,and one of them was a beautiful big drum.
“Who gave him thay thing?”answered Tom’s mother.
“Oh,”said his father.
Of course,Tom liked his drum very much.He made terrible noise with is,but his mother did not mind.His father was working during the day,and Tom was in bed when he got home in the evening,so he did not hear the noise. But one of the neighbours did not like noise at all.So one morning a few days later she took a sharp knife and went to Tom’s house while he was hitting his drum.She said to him,”Hello,Tom,do you know,there’s something very nice inside your drum.Here is a knife.Open the frum and let’s find it.”
Nest and Hair
My , a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
Q: How can you most irritate a ?
A: By treading on his corn?
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its on its back.
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
Q: How do you stop a from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. ", Sir, and trust the money. They are real US . They are directly from America."
（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this has claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.
The cheap finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"